The Demon of Frustration

Lately, I've been really frustrated. I'm not losing weight. In fact, I'm gaining. Last week was the last straw. I'd "been good" all week. I'd done a lot, if not everything "right". And still I gained. Turns out I was retaining water for the usual monthly reason like crazy, but still very frustrating. Weight Watchers is supposed to be empowering, not humiliating. Not shaming. Not another occasion to fail. Weight loss is not rocket science -- Calories in need to be less than calories out and weight loss will occur.

So, knowing this, why do I do things that are absolutely counterproductive (like buying a big bag of dark chocolate M&Ms for putting into cookies for the chickadees). Now, I don't really like M&Ms, so that's not too tempting, but I DO really like the dark chocolate M&Ms. So far, I've stayed away from them and the accompanying Semi-sweet chocolate morsels for the same cookies. But, will I be as successful when I make the cookies? Will I "try just one" and see it become 2, or 3, or 5, or 7? Why don't I more regularly do productive things, like walking every morning? Because my time is not my own? Because I don't want to give up those extra 50 minutes of sleep in the morning? Because I don't want to add another layer of complexity to an already complex morning routine (small house, small children, one bathroom, two adults and two children getting ready at the same time)?

So, what are the PRODUCTIVE things I'm not doing or not doing regularly enough?

• drinking water/liquids
• preplanning breakfast and lunch consistently
• walking and other cardio exercises
• getting enough sleep
• weighing and measuring
• tracking BEFORE eating

What are the COUNTERPRODUCTIVE things I am doing too regularly?

• bringing trigger foods into the house (dark chocolate M&Ms, anyone?)
• planning a really high calorie meal because the chickadees and husband will like it or because it's on the meal plan of the week I'm following
• agreeing to eat out
• agreeing with husband that pizza on Friday was a good choice and THEN not choosing something alternate
• skipping meals (like yesterday, when I ate a McDonald's Bacon, egg, and cheese bagel (without yucky sauce) and hash brown for breakfast, then had only some dried apple chips for the rest of the day until night time, when I had a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup for dinner). I certainly didn't have all my points yesterday.

So the question is, why am I doing these things (or not doing these things) that are not getting me what I want? Don't I want it enough? Am I just lazy? Am I scared? Am I depressed? Am I overwhelmed? Am I sad? Am I frustrated? Am I stupid?

I don't know. I'm going to do some laundry and then take a walk. Aaargh!