God's Little Wake Up Call

This morning, I had an abdominal sonogram. No, I'm not pregnant. Instead, I was being examined because I'd had some elevated liver enzymes in blood work that I'd had done during my September physical. Going into the exam room with the sonogram technician was sobering. Sobering because she was the same technician who had examined me last spring when the doctor thought I might have a blood clot in my leg (thank you, sciatica). Sobering because, while I recognized her, she also recognized me. Sobering because, all the while she was examining me, I was praying to God to spare me from some horrible diagnosis. I was also thinking about how terrible it is that. in the last two years, especially this past year, we have spent so much money on health expenses for ME. As I've complained about mentioned before, I've had a revolving litany of health problems recently. How many times am I going to ignore what my body is telling me? Isn't it enough that I have personal relationships with incidental health care professionals?

Yes, I'm trying to be healthier. Yes, I'm doing Weight Watchers and I try to be cognizant of what I'm eating. But I'm not exercising (because I hate it, I hurt, I don't want to, I'm busy, I'm lazy, I've never liked exercising, it costs too much, I'm tired, I can't take the kids, etc. etc. etc.). So what is stopping my lazy ass from getting out of bed at 5 am and walking? Nothing but laziness and exhaustion -- both of which can be cured by doing the thing I'm avoiding.

What makes me sad, though, is that the last time I lost a lot of weight (right before I met my husband), I did it out of PRIDE. I was planning a trip to Ireland, where I'd spent a year and a half while in graduate school. I didn't want to go back there and have people look at me crossways because I'd gained 30 pounds. For pete's sake, if I lost weight for a bunch of strangers, why the f*&* won't I do it for my husband, my children, MY SELF???? This is the mystery.

Sigh. Let's go for a walk.