Back I Go

Last year, I saw a nutritionist for a little while.  She was wonderful and I loved her.  There were some insurance issues, however, that precluded me from continuing.  Luckily, my insurance company has realized that dealing with and figuring out how to maintain a healthy weight is actually a good investment of health dollars.

So today, I went back.  It was a good appointment.  I was able to articulate what I want in a way I don't think I had been able to do before.  I talked to her at length about "the switch" that I seem to have in my mind, the one where I see myself differently and get into an imaginative space that translates thinking into doing.  The example I used (and really the only one I have) is stopping smoking.  Yes, I was a smoker for a while, which horrified and angered my parents intensely since I'd had underdeveloped bronchial tubes as a preemie and was in and out of the hospital for breathing-related problems.  I tried to quit for years, for all the usual reasons.  And, for all the usual reasons, it was difficult.  Until the time I quit.

I had to perform an imaginative exercise that allowed me to see myself as a non-smoker.  What would my life look like without cigarettes?  What would I do while I drank my tea, commuted to work, talked on the phone, took a break from my desk?  Where would I turn when I was stressed?  How would I relax?  How would I celebrate?  How would I think?   When I figured those things out, it truly was like a switch had been turned off.  I didn't have any cravings for cigarettes, not even physical cravings.  From that day this, I've started smoking two cigarettes -- one to be companionable with a friend I hadn't seen in long time, and one in reaction to a particularly stressful visit by a relative.  But I didn't finish either one -- and didn't enjoy the one or two drags I had from each.  I just wasn't a smoker any more.

So, I need to do that exercise with being a healthy person.  What would my life look like as a healthy person who had a healthy relationship to food and to my body?  What would I eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?  What would I snack on?  How would I deal with temptation?  What would I choose in a restaurant?  What kind of exercise would I do every day?  How would it feel not to have pain?  How would it be to not have to think about what I can't do or what I want to avoid because I feel awful?  When I get into that imaginative space, I am confident that the rest will fall into place with work, of course.

The first concrete step I am taking is this:

A glass of water.  8 times a day.  At least.

The second concrete step is this:

Doesn't that look like a healthy person's haircut?

Gulp

Well, I took the plunge and registered for my college reunion which is taking place in Irving, TX at the beginning of October.

The idea is making me so nervous.  When I saw pictures from the last reunion, I really wanted to cry.  The person in those pictures is not the person I think I am.  I had a good time, but I felt like everyone was secretly commenting to themselves how absolutely terrible I looked.  I'm still scared and disappointed in myself because I had wanted to be in a different place, weight and health-wise, than I am.

But, I decided to concentrate on the fact that I always have a good time with the class of 1988 and that, in their company, I became the person I am today.  I started with a good foundation, a happy childhood in an idyllic setting, a loving family with just enough of the kookiness factor to be fun.  But the University of Dallas was the first place where I felt that the true me stepped up and introduced herself.  I was able to love school and learning there without being denigrated as a brain.  I was able to be innocent and goofy and sweet and awkward and not be considered a nerd (okay, maybe I was considered a nerd, but we all kind of prided ourselves on the nerd factor -- one of the cheers for our basketball team included the word "Schopenhauer").  I was able to be pious and loving and faithful to God and not be called a goody-goody.  At UD, I made friendships that last to this day, 25 years later (gulp).  And for that I'm grateful and because of that, I'm trusting that my friends won't judge me and that people who do judge me can just go to hell (Just kidding).  So, because I am going to Texas, to parties and such (not my usual lifestyle, I can assure you), I needed a new outfit or two.

Usually, I wear clothes that scream "please don't look at me."  My fashion sense, never well-developed, has run and hidden its head.  Clothes shopping has always been excruciatingly boring for me... now it's just excruciating.  But today, I bought something completely out of character for me.  It's a dress that screams "look at me".  I hope that it looks nice on me when it arrives and I hope that I have the nerve to wear it:

With the leather midsection, it kind of has a Dune vibe, very appropriate for a reunion of a 1980s class.

Where Your Mind Is, There Shall Your Body Go Also*

The other day, I  got an email from one of my favorite online resources, Heather K. Jones. The title intrigued me for sure, so I had to click on the link. What I found astounded me:




How did this woman get into my head? How does she know the script? I started taking notes, which I titled, "be a conscious thinker".  Here they are, reproduced without correction. I think it's telling how I can't even SPELL the word positive when I'm typing quickly.

be a conscious thinker. 

Directing your thoughts in a positive direction as often s you can.

Most people set a goal and assume thye’ll be happy when they get there. 

Are you constantly thinking bout what a struggle it is, how hard it is to lose weight and how mch you have to lose and how it’s always been difficult to you.

OR are you thinking

How far you have come

How much you have learned. 

How you know you have the tools to et where you want to go

How awesome it will feel once you get there.

ARE you thinking:

Are you constantly complaining about your body and how it doesn’t fit into the clothese you want and doesn’t do what you want

OR are you thinking about all the great things your body does for you every day to keep you alive?

Are you in a negative place or a poisitive place?

How to get t the poisitive place.  Negative energy keeps you stuck where you are?

How can you switch to a more positive mode?

I'm eagerly awaiting Heather's next installment.  In the meantime, I actually bit the bullet and bought her "What's Your Diet Type" ebook series.  I found out that I am what she calls a "Diet Feeler".  When I read the challenges that this personality type to my sister, she just laughed because they were all so true of me.

‣ Ignoring Your Own Needs

‣ Emotional Eating

‣ Denial of Your Health Issues

‣ Social Food Struggles

‣ Trouble Staying Self-Motivated

‣ Low Self-Esteem

‣ Waiting for “Tomorrow”

So far, it's been interesting and enlightening.  I like Heather's approach, probably because I have discovered about myself that this whole thing is in my head and is playing itself out on the field of my body. 

I also like the association Heather has with Gina Homulka of Skinnytaste.  In fact, I'm so incredibly motivated that I actually had her "Avocado Egg Salad" for lunch.  This will be shocking to anyone who knows me. I hate mayonnaise with a passion (I actually don't have any in the house at all and left it out of this recipe) and I also hate avocados... so much so that it's a joke between some friends and me that they serve avocado every time I see them because they really don't like me very much. I chose to try this recipe because I've been hearing for years that avocados are good for you.  This was actually quite good and I'd planned to have it for lunch tomorrow too, but Chickadee #2, in a zeal of "helping out" while I was working this afternoon, emptied the leftovers into the trashcan.


*Sorry, Jesus, for cribbing your line about God and Mammon:  "Where your treasure is, there shall your heart be also"