God's Little Wake Up Call

This morning, I had an abdominal sonogram. No, I'm not pregnant. Instead, I was being examined because I'd had some elevated liver enzymes in blood work that I'd had done during my September physical. Going into the exam room with the sonogram technician was sobering. Sobering because she was the same technician who had examined me last spring when the doctor thought I might have a blood clot in my leg (thank you, sciatica). Sobering because, while I recognized her, she also recognized me. Sobering because, all the while she was examining me, I was praying to God to spare me from some horrible diagnosis. I was also thinking about how terrible it is that. in the last two years, especially this past year, we have spent so much money on health expenses for ME. As I've complained about mentioned before, I've had a revolving litany of health problems recently. How many times am I going to ignore what my body is telling me? Isn't it enough that I have personal relationships with incidental health care professionals?

Yes, I'm trying to be healthier. Yes, I'm doing Weight Watchers and I try to be cognizant of what I'm eating. But I'm not exercising (because I hate it, I hurt, I don't want to, I'm busy, I'm lazy, I've never liked exercising, it costs too much, I'm tired, I can't take the kids, etc. etc. etc.). So what is stopping my lazy ass from getting out of bed at 5 am and walking? Nothing but laziness and exhaustion -- both of which can be cured by doing the thing I'm avoiding.

What makes me sad, though, is that the last time I lost a lot of weight (right before I met my husband), I did it out of PRIDE. I was planning a trip to Ireland, where I'd spent a year and a half while in graduate school. I didn't want to go back there and have people look at me crossways because I'd gained 30 pounds. For pete's sake, if I lost weight for a bunch of strangers, why the f*&* won't I do it for my husband, my children, MY SELF???? This is the mystery.

Sigh. Let's go for a walk.

The Demon of Frustration

Lately, I've been really frustrated. I'm not losing weight. In fact, I'm gaining. Last week was the last straw. I'd "been good" all week. I'd done a lot, if not everything "right". And still I gained. Turns out I was retaining water for the usual monthly reason like crazy, but still very frustrating. Weight Watchers is supposed to be empowering, not humiliating. Not shaming. Not another occasion to fail. Weight loss is not rocket science -- Calories in need to be less than calories out and weight loss will occur.

So, knowing this, why do I do things that are absolutely counterproductive (like buying a big bag of dark chocolate M&Ms for putting into cookies for the chickadees). Now, I don't really like M&Ms, so that's not too tempting, but I DO really like the dark chocolate M&Ms. So far, I've stayed away from them and the accompanying Semi-sweet chocolate morsels for the same cookies. But, will I be as successful when I make the cookies? Will I "try just one" and see it become 2, or 3, or 5, or 7? Why don't I more regularly do productive things, like walking every morning? Because my time is not my own? Because I don't want to give up those extra 50 minutes of sleep in the morning? Because I don't want to add another layer of complexity to an already complex morning routine (small house, small children, one bathroom, two adults and two children getting ready at the same time)?

So, what are the PRODUCTIVE things I'm not doing or not doing regularly enough?

• drinking water/liquids
• preplanning breakfast and lunch consistently
• walking and other cardio exercises
• getting enough sleep
• weighing and measuring
• tracking BEFORE eating

What are the COUNTERPRODUCTIVE things I am doing too regularly?

• bringing trigger foods into the house (dark chocolate M&Ms, anyone?)
• planning a really high calorie meal because the chickadees and husband will like it or because it's on the meal plan of the week I'm following
• agreeing to eat out
• agreeing with husband that pizza on Friday was a good choice and THEN not choosing something alternate
• skipping meals (like yesterday, when I ate a McDonald's Bacon, egg, and cheese bagel (without yucky sauce) and hash brown for breakfast, then had only some dried apple chips for the rest of the day until night time, when I had a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup for dinner). I certainly didn't have all my points yesterday.

So the question is, why am I doing these things (or not doing these things) that are not getting me what I want? Don't I want it enough? Am I just lazy? Am I scared? Am I depressed? Am I overwhelmed? Am I sad? Am I frustrated? Am I stupid?

I don't know. I'm going to do some laundry and then take a walk. Aaargh!

Interim Goal Check

So, how am I doing on those interim goals that I listed last week....

Yoga 3 times -- NOPE, not yet, though I started to do a Bollywood dancing class before it killed me. It's lots of fun and I'm planning on doing it again today.

Let DH put the chickadees to bed 2 times this week while I go upstairs to read and relax. I'm on track with this -- DH put the girls to bed one night last week, while I relaxed, and even cleaned the kitchen after dinner twice!

Lose five pounds over three weeks. We'll see how I did at WW on Thursday.

Take a short walk every day. NOPE, but I'm turning off the computer right now to go for a walk with Chickadee #2.

She wants to know if we are going far, and if so, how we are going to walk home. With our feet, I said. She seemed to think that was acceptable.

Goal Setting

I think one of my problems in this process has been my lack of intermediate goal setting. I've had my eye on the end goal and it seems overwhelming. I see my friends, moms of my children's friends, women on the street -- I see those women and I think "I'll never get there. I might as well not even start or not really be serious about doing this because I will never ever get there." I'm defeated before I begin. What a waste of time and energy.

Today's WW meeting talked about setting goals. I think that my fellow meeting attendees are just as confounded as I am. We all know the importance of this task, yet, when Lisa, our meeting leader, wanted us to tell her about the goals we have set, there was silence. We could articulate the reason for setting short-term goals ("Because if you set a short term goal and achieve it, then you are encouraged and feel like you can reach your ultimate goal), but apparently none of us had done this.

So, it's time to fix this problem:

My first short term goal is to do the yoga class on Comcast Exercise TV 3 times in the next week. Each class is 45 minutes long -- I think I can do that, even if I have to get up at 5 am to do it.

My second short term goal is to let my husband put the chickadees to bed twice a week while I go upstairs to my newly revamped reading nook and look at magazines or read short stories or something else that relaxes me.

My third short term goal is to lose five pounds over three weeks.

My fourth short term goal is to take a short walk every day this week.

I'll keep you posted.

Finding a Voice

I'm really struggling in these writings to find a voice. And, I think, that struggle to find a voice is connected to the larger fight to lose weight and be healthy. Over the weekend, my husband and I were talking about some issues and I just lost it -- in that moment, I felt so misunderstood, so frustrated, so downtrodden, and so alone. He asked me what I wanted, and I could only reply that I didn't know -- that I am so far away from myself and the dreams that I had when I was younger, I couldn't even recall them any more. There's so much babble going on inside my head, I can't seem to breathe or to find the psychological space to devote time to my own happiness and health. I'm almost entirely at the behest of others -- sometimes because that can't be helped (as when my chickadees are demanding and needing attention (all the time, LOL), and sometimes that's because I add too much "stuff" to my life -- volunteering at church, visiting friends and family, taking the children on outings, etc. Life just seems to accelerate and accelerate and only screeches to a halt when I lose my mind temporarily, have a fit, then pick up the pieces. Obviously, this is not an optimal way to conduct business.



So, why is it so hard? Why is it that I can't seem to find time for the things that I love to do? Why can't I bring myself to say to my husband when he arrives home from work, "Honey, I'm going upstairs for some alone time or out for a walk? Dinner's on the table and the children are ready for bed." Could that reason possibly be that, most of the time when he arrives home from work, the house is in chaos, children are jumping off the sofa, I'm in the middle of cooking dinner, and I'm ready to lose my mind? Then we have dinner, and I start the nighttime routine. Even if we start bedtime on time (around 7:30), I'm still not finished with it until at least 8 and more likely 8:30. Then I have to clean the kitchen and try to restore some order. Sometimes, instead of straightening up, we talk or share things about our days, so clean up doesn't happen until 10, 10:30, 11:00 pm, at which point, we're both mind numbingly exhausted and likely snapping at one another. We retire to our (messy) bedroom, read for ten minutes, then pass out from sheer exhaustion -- if we can sleep or are let sleep by the chickadees. Then we wake up and do it all again. Day after day after day. I can barely take a breath, let alone take time to be healthy.

And in the midst of it all, I hear my voice getting fainter and fainter. I'm becoming someone I don't want to be -- someone who whines, who makes excuses, who takes her frustration out on others. The clarity of mind I used to have seems to have gone, replaced instead with emotionalism. I know the way out of this, but I can't seem to get going on the road. I feel stymied at every turn and get more and more frustrated, until I'm tempted to give up and just let life take me where it may. But I'm not a piece of flotsam. I have to be an agent, rather than an object. That means taking control. Deep breath. I can do this.

Daily Progress

Last week's WW meeting didn't go well -- I'd gained 1.2 pounds. I really have got to stop goofing around here.

So, I've tried to be cognizant of what was entering my mouth today.

I started off strong! Oatmeal, with a sprinkle (1/2 tsp) of sugar and a small splash of half-and-half. A banana -- Points total? 2 + .5 +.5 +2 = 5 WHOOO HOO!

Mid-morning latte with a friend (assume the friend got whole milk when she ordered -- I was with Chickadee #2 in the bathroom, where she produced, and I quote: "A turtle and a Mystery Fish." LOL, FLUSH!!!!, so Points total: 2

Lunch: Crab Cake Sandwich -- set points 5, ciabatta -- 4, 1/2 french fry order = 5 (Points total 14)

Snack: 1/2 apple = 1

Dinner: 3 oz chicken (crockpot chicken with a bit of pesto on it): 4 points
Jasmine rice 1/2 c. -- 2 points
Broccoli 1 c -- 0 points
2" square of sheet birthday cake: 3

Half and half in tea -- 2 points

Total: 33 points.

That's pretty much on target and I think there's some wiggle room since I'm overestimating points in many cases.

The only way I could be off -- and this is a possibility, of course, is over the points at lunch. We had lunch with my in-laws before they left after spending the long weekend with us.

It's very difficult to tell what a restaurant uses in their dishes, but the crab cake was broiled, not fried, and although it apparently used some mayonnaise, it was not over the top. The fries I should have just left on the plate, but at least I split them with my mother in law.

My husband and I are doing very well with our resolution to not eat out at all -- before this weekend, we had not eaten a restaurant meal in over 2 weeks. While the in laws were here, we had one dinner (at Bertucci's, where I got what I hoped was the lowest calorie thing on the menu, a sirloin fillet) and today's lunch.

Today I worked on getting all my fluids in. I still need to work on getting enough vegetables -- I had broccoli (1 vegetable serving), 2 large slices of tomato (1 vegetable serving), and 1/2 of a large apple (1 fruit serving). That means I still need two fruits or vegetable servings. And I'm full. And it's almost 10 pm. And I'm blogging instead of working. And what the hell, I can't eat any more today. I need to make better choices tomorrow.... As all days. Sigh.

I hope this disgusts you as much as it does me....

So "plus sized" model Lizzie Miller is posing nude in the September issue of Glamour magazine. This woman is BEAUTIFUL. She has great skin, a gorgeous face, a lovely, arresting smile, and a body that I would kill for. She's sexy, attractive, and vital. And yet, the reaction to the 3" x 3" picture has merited a mention in the network news and as a Yahoo! Entertainment News story (where I first encountered it), as well as a frenzy of handwringing (including this post) about how our culture looks at women's bodies. Is anyone surprised at the following:

Lots of female readers said "bravo," and thanked the magazine for showing a woman with an average body. But many men wrote in saying they didn't like the picture, and that the model is too heavy.

If this woman is too heavy, at 5'11" and 180 pounds, God help us all.

Seriously, folks, this points out the utterly ridiculous culture in which we live. If we cannot recognize a "beauty" who is actually beautiful rather than emaciated in a "heroin-chic" (????) way, how can we survive?